The Doctor: She is the best selling novelist of all time.
Donna: But she never knew.
The Doctor: Well, no-one knows how they're going to be remembered. All you can do is hope for the best. Maybe that's what kept her writing. The same thing keeps me travelling. Onwards?
(At the lake, Donna throws the Firestone into the water; the Vespiform goes in after it and drowns)
Donna: How do you kill a wasp? Drown it. Just like his father.
The Doctor: Donna, that thing couldn't help itself.
Donna: Neither could I!
Agatha Christie: Death comes as the end and justice is served.
Agatha Christie: The Firestone has quite a history. Lady Eddison…
Lady Eddison: I've done nothing.
Agatha Christie: You brought it back from India, did you not? Before you met the Colonel. You came home with malaria and confined yourself to this house for six months in a room that has been kept locked ever since, which I rather think means…
Lady Eddison: Stop. Please.
Agatha Christie: I'm so sorry, but you had fallen pregnant in India. Unmarried and ashamed, you hurried back to England with your confidante, a young maid later to become housekeeper, Miss Chandrakala.
Colonel Hugh: Clemency, is this true?
Lady Eddison: My poor baby… I had to give him away. The shame of it.
Colonel Hugh: But you never said a word.
Lady Eddison: I had no choice. Imagine the scandal. The family name. I'm British. I carry on.
The Doctor: And it was no ordinary pregnancy.
Lady Eddison: How can you know that?
The Doctor: Excuse me, Agatha, but this is my territory, but when you heard that buzzing sound in the dining room, you said 'it can't be'. Why did you say that?
Lady Eddison: You'd never believe it.
Agatha Christie: The Doctor has opened my mind to believe many things.
Lady Eddison: It was forty years ago, in the heat of Delhi late one night. I was alone, and that's when I saw it. A dazzling light in the sky. The next day, he came to the house. Christopher. The most handsome man I'd ever seen. Our love blazed like a wild fire. I held nothing back. And in return, he showed me the incredible truth about himself. He'd made himself human to learn about us. This was his true shape. I loved him so much it didn't matter, but he was stolen from me. 1885. The year of the great monsoon. The river Jumna rose up and broke its banks. He was taken at the flood, but Christopher left me a parting gift. A jewel like no other. I wore it always; part of me never forgot. I kept it close. Always.
Robina Redmond: Just like a man. Flashes his family jewels and you end up with a bun in the oven.
Agatha Christie: In examining this household, we come to you… Colonel.
Colonel Hugh: (after a long pause) Damn it, woman. You with your perspicacity. You've rumbled me!
(The Colonel stands up from his wheelchair)
Lady Eddison: Hugh, you can walk! But why?
Colonel Hugh: My darling, how else could I be certain of keeping you by my side?
Lady Eddison: I don't understand.
Colonel Hugh: You're still a beautiful woman, Clemency. Sooner or later, some chap will turn your head. I couldn't bear that. Staying in the chair was the only way I could be certain of keeping you. Confound it, Mrs Christie! How did you discover the truth?
Agatha Christie: Actually, I had no idea. I was just going to say you were completely innocent.
The Doctor: This thing can sting. It can fly. It could wipe us all out in seconds. Why is it playing this game?
Agatha Christie: Every murder is essentially the same. They are committed because somebody wants something.
The Doctor: What does a Vespiform want?
Agatha Christie: Doctor, stop it. The murderer is as human as you or I.
The Doctor: You're right. Oh, I've been so caught up with giant wasps, I'd forgotten. You're the expert.
Agatha Christie: I'm not, I told you! I'm just a… purveyor of nonsense.
The Doctor: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 'Cause plenty of people write detective stories but yours are the best. And why? Why are you so good, Agatha Christie? Because you understand. You've lived. You've fought and you've had your heart broken. You know about people. Their passions, their hope and despair and anger, all of those tiny huge things that can turn the most ordinary person into a killer. Just think, Agatha. If anyone can solve this, it's you.
Donna: That poor footman. Roger's dead and he can't even mourn him. 1926? It's more like the Dark Ages.
The Doctor: A terrible day for all of us. The Professor struck down, Miss Chandrakala cruelly taken from us. And yet we still take dinner.
Lady Eddison: We are British, Doctor. What else must we do?
Agatha Christie: These murders are like my own creations. It's as though someone's mocking me, and I've had enough scorn for one lifetime.
Donna: Yeah, thing is, I had this bloke once. I was engaged and I loved him, I really did. Turns out he was lying through his teeth. But you know what? I moved on. I was lucky. I found the Doctor. It's changed my life. There's always someone else.
Agatha Christie: I see. Is my marriage the stuff of gossip now?
Donna: No. I just… sorry.
Agatha Christie: No matter. The stories are true. I found my husband with another woman. A younger, prettier woman. Isn't it always the way?
Donna: Well, mine was with a giant spider but... same difference.
Agatha Christie: You and the Doctor talk such wonderful nonsense.
Donna: Agatha, people love your books. They really do. They're gonna be reading them for years to come.
Agatha Christie: If only. Try as I might, it's hardly great literature. No, that's beyond me. I'm afraid my books will be forgotten, like ephemera.
Mrs Hart: A murder? That's put the cat among the pigeons and no mistake!
Miss Chandrakala: It is not the stuff of gossip, Mrs Hart. Continue with your work.
Davenport: But who'd want to do in the old Professor? He was always asking questions about that book of his. What's that all about?
Miss Chandrakala: A dead man's folly, nothing more.
The Doctor: Right then. Solving a murder mystery with Agatha Christie. Brilliant.
Agatha Christie: How like a man to have fun whilst there's disaster all around him.
The Doctor: Sorry, yeah.
Agatha Christie: I'll work with you, gladly, but for the sake of justice- not your own amusement.
Donna: Agatha Christie didn't walk around surrounded by murders. Not really. I mean, that's like meeting Charles Dickens and he's surrounded by ghosts. At Christmas.
The Doctor: Well…
Donna: Oh come on! It's not like we could drive across country and find Enid Blyton having tea with Noddy. Could we? Noddy's not real. Is he? Tell me there's no Noddy!
The Doctor: There's no Noddy.
Donna: 'The plucky young girl who helps me out'?
The Doctor: No policewomen in 1926.
Donna: I'll pluck you in a minute! Why don't we phone the real police?
The Doctor: The last thing we want is PC Plod sticking his nose in. Especially now I've found this. Morphic residue.
Donna: Morphic? Doesn't sound very 1926.
The Doctor: It gets left behind when certain species genetically re-encode.
Donna: The murderer's an alien.
The Doctor: Which means one of that lot is an alien in human form.
The Doctor: She just discovered her husband was having an affair.
Donna: You'd never think to look at her. Smiling away.
The Doctor: Well, she's British and monied. That's what they do. They carry on. Except for this one time. No-one knows exactly what happened. She just vanished. Her car will be found tomorrow morning by the side of a lake. Ten days later, Agatha Christie turns up in a hotel in Harrogate. Said she'd lost her memory. She never spoke about the disappearance til the day she died. But whatever it was…
Donna: It's about to happen.
The Doctor: Right here, right now.
Lady Eddison: Is Mr Christie not joining us?
Agatha Christie: Is he needed? Can't a woman make her own way in the world?
Colonel Hugh: Don't give my wife ideas!
Agatha Christie: Agatha Christie.
Donna: What about her?
Agatha Christie: That's me.
Donna: No! You're kidding!
The Doctor: Agatha Christie! I was just talking about you the other day. I said 'I bet she's brilliant!' I'm the Doctor, this is Donna. Oh, I love your stuff. What a mind. You fool me every time. Well, almost every time. Well, once or twice. Well, once. But it was a good once!
Agatha Christie: You make a rather unusual couple.
Donna: We're not a couple.
The Doctor: No, no. We're not married.
Agatha Christie: Well, obviously not. No wedding ring.
The Doctor: You don't miss a trick.
Agatha Christie: And I'd stay that way if I were you. The thrill is in the chase, never in the capture.
The Doctor: (introducing themselves to Lady Eddison) I'm the Doctor and this is Miss Donna Noble. Of the Chiswick Nobles.
Donna: Good afternoon, my lady. Topping day, what? Spiffing. Top hole.
The Doctor: (aside, to Donna) No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.
(The Doctor has been poisoned with cyanide)
Agatha Christie: I'm an expert in poisons Doctor, there's no cure, it's fatal!
The Doctor: Not for me, I can stimulate the inhibited enzymes into reversal. Protein! I need protein!
The Doctor: Brilliant...!
(With his mouth full, The Doctor resorts to charades to mime what he needs)
Donna: I can't understand you... How many words? One! One word! Shake... milk-shake... milk?! No, not milk. Shake, shake, shake?! Cocktail shaker! What do you want, a Harvey Wallbanger?
The Doctor: Harvey Wallbanger?!
Donna: Well, I don't know!
The Doctor: How is "Harvey Wallbanger" one word?!
Agatha Christie: What do you need, Doctor?
The Doctor: Salt! I was miming salt, I need salt, I need something salty!
Donna: What about this?
The Doctor: What is it?
The Doctor: That's too salty!
Donna: (Sarcastically) Oh, that's too salty!
Agatha Christie: What about this?
The Doctor: Mmm
Donna: What's that?
Agatha Christie: Anchovies.
Donna: What is it? What else?
(The Doctor mimes open and closing palms with arms outstretched)
Donna: It's a song - Mammy!? I don't know, Camptown Races?
The Doctor: Camptown Races !?
Donna: All right then, Towering Inferno?
The Doctor: It's a shock, a shock, I need a shock!
Donna: All right then, big shock coming up... (Grabbing the sides of his head she kisses him full on the lips, and once she lets him go The Doctor violently expels the toxins).
The Doctor: Ahh, detox. Oh, mah, I must do that more often (pauses and looks at Donna) I mean, the detox...
Lady Eddison: Nobody knows who he is. He's just struck again. Snatched Lady Babbington's pearls right from under her nose.
Donna: Funny place to wear pearls!
Donna: There's a giant wasp.
The Doctor: What do you mean a giant wasp?
Donna: (exasperated) I mean a wasp... that's giant!
Agatha Christie: It's only a silly little insect.
Donna: When I say giant, I don't mean big. I mean flippin' enormous!
The Doctor: Oh, smell that air, grass and lemonade, and a little bit of mint. Just a hint of mint, must be the 1920's.
Donna: You can tell what year it is just by smelling?
The Doctor: Oh yeah.
Donna: Or, that big vintage car coming up the drive gave it away.
Donna: Yeah but think about it. There's a murder, a mystery and Agatha Christie.
The Doctor: So? Happens to me all the time.
(Donna notices the body language between Roger and Davenport).
Donna: Typical all the decent men are on the other bus.
The Doctor: Or Time Lords.
(Donna steps out of the TARDIS wearing a flapper outfit).
Donna: What do you think, flapper or slapper?
The Doctor: Flapper. You look lovely.