Episode 1 The Magician's Apprentice

The Doctor: Your chances of survival are about one in a thousand. So here's what you do: you forget the thousand and you concentrate on the one.

Colony Sarff: Where is the Doctor?
Ohlia: Where he always is. Right behind you, and one step ahead.

Missy: Okay, cutting to the chase, not dead, back, big surprise, never mind.

Missy: It's a confession dial.
Clara: A what?
Missy: In your terms, a will. The last will and testament of the Time Lord known as the Doctor. To be delivered according to ancient tradition to his closest friend on the eve of his final day. (Clara touches the dial and is shocked) What are you doing?
Clara: You said, I thought...
Missy: No it was delivered to me.
Clara: You?
Missy: Well of course it was sent to me. What have you got to do with it? I'm his friend, you're just...
Clara: I'm just what?
Missy: See that couple over there. You're the puppy.
Clara: Since when do you care about the Doctor?
Missy: Since always, Since the Cloister Wars, since the time he stole the Moon and the president's wife, since he was a little girl. One of those was a lie, can you guess which one?
Clara: He's not your friend, you keep trying to kill him.
Missy: He keeps trying to kill me. It's sort of our texting.

The Doctor: What do you think of my tank? Don't worry, it isn't loaded.
Bors: Don't like it.
The Doctor: Well, neither do I. I bought it for my fish.
Bors: Your fish?
The Doctor: I may have ordered online! (everyone stares) Oh, come on. Fish? Tank? Honestly, this stuff will be hilarious in a very few hundred years. Do please stick around.

Clara: How did you know I was here? Did you see me?
The Doctor: When do I not see you?
Clara: What, one face in all of that crowd?
The Doctor: There was a crowd, too?

Missy: Well, apparently you think you're going to die tomorrow.
The Doctor: Well, I've got some good news about that.
Missy: Oh, yeah?
The Doctor: It's still today.

Colony Sarff: Are you so dangerous, little man?
The Doctor: You want to know how dangerous I am? Davros sent you. You know how stupid you are? Hah. You came.

The Doctor: Now, explain. Politely. Davros is my archenemy. Why would I want to talk to him?
Missy: No, wait, hang on a minute. Davros is your archenemy now?
The Doctor: Hush.
Missy: I'll scratch his eye out.

Missy: Doctor, listen to me. I know traps, traps are my flirting. This is a trap.

Clara: How can you and the Doctor be friends?
Missy: Why shouldn't we be?
Clara: You spend all of your time fighting.
Missy: Exactly.

Missy: And the rest of the planet, the whole thing... is invisible.
Clara: That's ridiculous.
Missy: Well, yes, of course it is. I mean, how would you ever find your glasses, or the little girl's room? And what if you kissed an ugly?